Let’s Talk Mental Health

Well, this post is gonna be a little less fun and a bit more personal than others, so heads up. We're jumping right in.

I’m one of those people who likes to have consistency. I don’t mind changing things up here and there, but overall I’m a creature of habit. The desire to have certain things done a certain way at a certain time has often led me to have very unhealthy expectations for myself. I tend to overcommit and then feel like there’s no out once I have agreed to something. This holds true for both everyday things and actually important things. Which is why I have had to spend the last few years learning that it‘s ok to let things go.

I’ll admit, I’m a perfectionist. To the weird point that I won’t even start a project or craft or chore unless I fully believe I can and will finish it in a timely manner. (This excludes writing projects, but includes just about any other thing in my life, oddly enough.) So letting myself do poorly or just quit or decline something I feel I can do or do well? For most of my life that felt impossible.

I grew up being one of those people who thought that if you could do something you were obligated to do it. So I rarely said no and had pretty intense guilt when I did. Of course, if you were to ask me or watch me in those moments, you probably wouldn’t have been able to read that on my face or body language. I didn’t even actually believe that those feelings were guilt or that I wrestled with saying no. (I knew I could be a bit selfish and had no problem letting most people feel disappointed in me.) I had thoroughly convinced myself that because I didn’t struggle with saying the actual words to people’s faces that I didn’t struggle with those emotions and decisions.

So I slowly trapped myself in situations, positions, and arbitrary commitments that I never should have.

And for years, I didn’t know how to get out, to say no, to keep myself from becoming more and more encased in the expectations and obligations.

And it’s only recently (well, within the last two years) that I‘ve actually realized the detriment this has been to my mental health. I have since learned and allowed myself the time and space to think clearly about these situations and habits and every small area that I’ve considered to be at all restricting. I truly don’t lose sleep over having to say no to things anymore. I don’t overcommit myself to things that don’t really matter long term. I have grace for when I can’t follow through with a goal or expectation that I set for myself. And it’s forced me to be more real with myself, to slow down, and to assess - in an honest way - what I can and cannot handle.

When I'm stressed, I usually find that it's because I'm holding myself to a standard that no one else has set for me, that I've bogged myself down in responsibilities that aren't mine or that aren't going to strengthen my relationships, or that have no real consequences if I just let it go. Which is kind of why I'm writing this post now.

I've been rather overwhelmed lately, and a lot of it is just me putting pressure on myself in regards to writing, reading, and even just keeping up with the social media/blog aspects of things. I don't know if people are actually reading these posts. I'll keep posting even if you're not. But I am going to try to relax and enjoy this experience. I'll be posting on Tuesday's and Friday's, but I'm not always going to advertise it on social media. Should I? Yes, but I'm just me. Just one person trying to keep up with too many things right now, so if this is one of those balls that I have to let drop, it's just how it's gonna be.